Saturday, July 11, 2009

Grief, Camp, and back to the beginning.

It's been a while since I posted anything.  A lot of things effected this temporary hiatus. I went to visit my family, Matt came home, a horrible grief filled weekend, a week of Camp Whatever, recovering from camp, and finally kicking my self in the metaphorically butt to get back to having a daily time with God.

On the Thursday before I went to Camp Whatever (Lifepoint Youth Camp), I received two horrible phone calls back to back. My best friend from high school, Ami Raymer,  had died from a brain aneurism on Wednesday. I called and left my mom a message telling her I would be coming home for visitation/funeral. She called me back two times in 30 minutes: one to tell me my uncle (my father's twin) had been in a wreck, second time to tell me that he had a heart attack (causing the wreck) and had died. I felt like I had been hit with a brick. A thousand thoughts whirred through my mind and heart. Shock kept me from really grieving. In my mind, I thought did I hear her correctly..."did she really mean Uncle Dan?? Ami really gone?? What should I do about Camp? When would my Uncle's funeral be? Should I just call them and tell them I could not go? Should I make arrangements to get to camp on my own?? What about packing? I need to do laundry. I need to pay all the bills. I need to pack. Do I own enough black skirts/dresses for three days at the funeral home? Oh, God, I need you right now. Oh God...Oh God...what do I do?" 

I did go to camp after a very grief filled weekend. I was weary heart, mind, body, soul, but I got up after 4 hours of sleep Monday morning and finished packing, vomiting & etc. (to nasty to say) from a horrible IBS flare up, and went to camp.  

Some people might say why did you go? I'm sure they would have understood if you had said you couldn't. I had made a promise to myself and to God you see. Not a bargain, but a promise. He has so blessed me in life that I can quit my job in the middle of an economic crisis, and I have not been doing a very good job in the service department of his kingdom. I had said I am going to give you all these things that are on my heart God about my job and my future, and I am going to spend the month of June focusing on you, preparing my heart for you, and I am going to go to Camp Whatever and serve you. I gave this promise with out any expectation of return other than it bringing glory to God. What more do I deserve really and truly!

So I went weary in ways I can not even give words to...and God healed my grief and restored my soul. He gave me a heart for some of the most troubled and beautiful (inside and outside) young women I have ever met. I was blessed in my grief and loss because I was faithful. I came  out of camp physically weary, but made whole.

It's taken me about a week to finally get over being lazy and get back to my study of God in the words of Genesis. Today I wrapped up the first 11 chapters in the guides I am using. Even though my Bible is already filled with notes about those chapters, I had new insights to add and new connecting verses to note in what space I could find. Now I am about to tackle the story of Abraham. God had been revealing the inner workings of his heart to me. I hope you will continue to take the journey with me.

these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God  except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might  understand the things freely given us by God. I Corinthians 2: 10-12 (ESV)

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